Two days ago was the anniversary of my late husband passing. In the beginning, those who has lost a love one has told me that in grieving, it will be “the year of firsts”. Experiencing the first holiday, birthday and anniversary without him.
I noticed that there are other things that once were shared experiences such as going to the grocery store, movies and charity fundraisers are now the “firsts” for me. Even things such as cooking was a huge challenge for me since I enjoyed cooking for him and not for myself. As I move into my new place, is when I finally finding energy to try cooking again instead of eating salad and a dinner roll every night.
Not just in shared experiences but such as things that I depended on him to take of care for me now I had to learned to take care of myself. The biggest challenge was learning how to maintain the motorcycle myself. With the help of my son, I learned how to changed the oil, gaskets and seals. After I broke the throttle cable, I learned with the help of YouTube how to replaced it myself without anyone help. That was a huge milestone for me, having the confidence and trust in myself to accomplish those things.
Now as I think about it, I think the biggest “firsts” is learning how to deal with my emotions. I was never an emotional person. I actually bottled up it most of the times or if I’m alone then I can release it in private. In the beginning I hated crying and now after a year I learned to let it roll down my face and wait for it to pass. There is an old saying “Time Shall Heal All Wounds” but actually in grieving, it does not lessen the pain but it becomes easier to ride the wave (the emotion).
Today it is Christmas and originally I did not want to participate in this major holiday and wanted to take a ride to nowhere to be alone. However, I learned that some were hurt that I wasn’t going to be at the family event. At first I was hurt that they didn’t understand how it would be awkward for me to be there. After some deep soul searching, I realized that I’m the last connection to my late husband and they need something to hang onto. So it will be my gift to them this year to be present at the family event. I know that I may need to take a walk to deal with my emotions because I’m still a private person about it. I’m learning it is ok to grieve and to feel all of the raw emotions. Also, I know that in May, it will be my time to find peace and a closure to the “Year of Firsts”.
Remember, that life is too short and take the time to let your friends and love ones know how they touched your life.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! I hope that your day is filled with love and joy!