A Widow's Ride

As I pack for my trip down to Baja California for the week, I just realized that the last three months have been a stepping-stones toward my journey in May in so many different ways.

Such as the day I broke down in Yosemite with a broken throttle cable. Actually, that day meant a lot more to me then I led on.  It was the first time I didn’t get frustrated or get angry at him or god for making it difficult on me.  I just stared at the situation and figured out with a level head on how to handle the situation.  The broken throttle cable also taught me to trust myself and gain confidence that I can learn and do it by myself.  Before the previous ride out to Joshua Tree, I have had asked a couple of biker friends to teach me how to replace the broken throttle cable but none of them followed through so I sat down at the computer and watched a couple of YouTube videos on how to do it. So, I took a deep breath and dived in.  As I took the bike apart, I took a bunch of pictures so I can make sure it put the new one back in correctly.  The project was successful.  It taught me to trust myself and not to doubt my ability.

Now that I think about the concept of Stepping Stones, I realized that all of my life has been a stepping stone into this journey.  From the day, when an English teacher told me that he was not God and was going to have to suffer in his class when I asked for help in class and to the day I learned how to let go with love in Al-Anon.

Even the little things in life are stepping-stones for example, when my husband passed away, there were certain things I lost passion in doing such as cooking, reading or even watching a movie.  Slowly but surely, I have been pushing myself into these activities.  In my new place, where I’m living does not have a stove so for a while, I have been eating a ready-made salad and a dinner roll every single night.  Now, I’m learning how to cook out a toaster oven which has been a challenge to say the least.

I’m finally started reading again.  Before, he got sick; I was on a kick about traveling by a motorcycle and downloaded a bunch of books such as American Boarder by Carla King, A Blind Curve by Linda Crill and Touching the World by Cathy Birchall and Bernard Smith.  I was able to read most of them but the last one I never got around to finishing it. So recently, I picked it up again and started the beginning once again.

I can’t remember the last I went to the movie by myself but I really wanted to see the Hunger Games in the theater.  Believe it or not, this step was one of the harder one for me.  It really made me feel alone and realize that my life is moving on without him.

Each of these stepping-stones is showing me how to move forward in my journey and to gain courage and confidence within myself.  Once again, I’m using a tool that I once learned in Al-Anon by letting go with love of the life that I once knew and embracing the new one that is ahead of me.